PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — Holding onto the Liberty Bell for dear life with one arm, the other slung around Nick Sakiewicz's shoulder, a representative for Major League Soccer revealed to a massive press gathering that, just after noon today, all of MLS' problems somehow "went away."
"Oh my God. It happened so fast," the spokesman blubbered in between sobs of joy. "Essentially, everything that wasn't working with MLS now works. We're not entirely sure what happened but around noon today, soccer became the most popular sport in America. I think some sociologist just explained some theory about how that makes sense on MSNBC. It's probably on Youtube."
The representative went on to reveal MLS is on the verge of securing a billion dollar deal with a major American network, and that all season tickets have been sold for every club except for the Columbus Crew. He also said, "there are several major European players looking to make the January transfer window. I don't know who I am anymore."
The news comes just one day after MLS management and players hammered out a new collective bargaining agreement in spite of almost nothing changing between the two parties. There are reports now that Don Garber was in the midst of "curing his hangover" when he heard the news, and had to be rushed to hospital before he could call the press conference held late this afternoon.
"We won," a red-eyed Garber told the CNN, ABC, NBC, Fox News, in a live televised address in front of the Statue of Liberty, with a smiling Barack Obama to his right, holding aloft a golden soccer ball. "You know, all that shit I wrote about slow and steady, we have to earn those European soccer fans' respect, we have to build our brand carefully alongside other traditional American sports?" Garber said. "Well you can use all those speeches for toilet paper now. Simply put, we won. American sports, European soccer - now is the time to consider a full surrender."
Not everyone is happy with the news. Some supporters expressed how upset they were to have all their problems essentially solved forever somehow. "The league was doing just fine with its massive structural issues and constant fragility. Now we're going to be just like Europe, minus the enormous and unsustainable problems with debt spending and lack of competitive parity. Fuck this." Yet even they were amazed to find a few hours later that all manner of disagreement between supporters and the league had been wiped out in a wave of good will, originating from nowhere in particular.
Meanwhile, the new NASL reported late today it is still seeking major sponsors ahead of their inaugural season.