NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Representatives for Major League Soccer announced today that a new collective bargaining agreement has been finally reached between players and management, meaning everyone bored stiff with learning the complexities of MLS's single entity system, precedent-setting sports entertainment labour decisions, and whatever Kasey Keller has to say about either, breathed a sigh of collective relief this morning.
"Fuck this shit," A visibly relieved Don Garber told some ESPN reporter early this afternoon. "Basically, I think a lawyer worked something out. The players were mad about something about wages maybe, and contracts. Does that sound right?" The reporter said he hadn't been following the CBA and couldn't answer.
"Well I think [the lawyer] looked at the old  CBA, adjusted the numbers up slightly for inflation, and we sort of said okay and called it a day. I dunno, I was pretty drunk when it happened."
Kasey Keller was quoted as saying, "I think we just got so bored fucking thinking about it all the time. I mean, I think the players all sort of stood back from it all and were like, 'whatever.' You know? We could all die tomorrow, at least we're getting paid something right? Anyway, I think a lawyer basically worked it all out. Or something. Fuck me, who cares. It's not like I had any idea what was going on anyway."
Meanwhile, a distraught Freddy Ljungberg was sighted wiping away tears as he walked through the Sea-Tac Airport lobby to a waiting Oldsmobile. While he refused to speak with reporters, his seat partner on the plane mentioned something about he'd been laughed at by an unnamed German club. "The guy's fucking ancient. I tried not to laugh when he told me his age, I just said he didn't look much older than thirty-two. He was really, really upset when he heard this news this morning."
Not everyone's happy about today's deal; a few bloggers were irate to find out their local Borders wouldn't refund purchases of Collective Bargaining Strategies for North American Single Entity Sports Leagues for Beginners. "Thirty eight bucks, pissed down the drain," said a blogger via his computer somehow. "I expected this to go through May, you know. By then it would have paid for itself." The season kicks off this March 25th.