Thursday, January 7, 2010

England is Becoming Canada

So perhaps it's time for you all to give up football for hockey. Iced hockey, not that dreadful hook sport beloved in Pakistan and private girls schools.

First, let's put to bed any notion that England are somehow weak for not playing soccer in the snow. It's just not on. It's football, not American football; you're not that hard.

Good. Now I did notice more than one hockey rink in London while I was there, and I even saw people skating in an outdoor rink sponsored by an underwear or "pants" company, I think. So you can skate, and you have rinks.

Because you have the BNP I can only assume you have some Don Cherry-esque blowhard (Google him, I'm sick of providing links, breaks my flow) to do the between period "analysis," and the fighting will be a welcome break from all the diving and wondering whether that was a dive and debating fifty challenges blah blah blah—now they'll just drop their gloves (no, not the little black ones certain players wore in August ROBINHO *cough*) and start punching. Iced hockey requires so much padding it's like punching a plastic bag full of plastic toys.

Yes, there are dreaded video replays in the NHL, but as my cousin pointed out at Christmas dinner, they did a study and apparently the refs have been exonerated every time. So how about that? A league with refs who never make mistakes. I mean, it won't be like that for you for some time; good luck finding a universal definition of what constitutes "slashing" in a sport where everyone's batting the ice, the puck, each other, the ref, the coach, their wives with heavy wooden sticks. But we've proved it's possible.

Just make sure you don't develop one really good player who plays for Edmonton I mean Newcastle who makes hockey popular in the US I mean Europe thus enticing the league to open all these expansion teams in Florida I mean Greece thereby draining the lifeblood out of a once noble winter sport. DON'T DO THAT.

Moving along, Fake Sigi defends MLS' single-entity set-up as ingenious! I'm scared!


SoccerTorte said...

I know it's not a popular opinion, but hockey is so much more fun without all that inane fighting getting in the way. I loved watching college hockey when I was in school, it had that sort of free flow that soccer does (well, almost). But the NHL? Sigh.

Canuck said...

First, as a former hockey player, when you fight you throw for the unprotected head always, your not working the body, and you do this while standing on steel blades. As a code of honor when injured you must do everything you can to get to your bench so as not to leave your team short handed. Take NHL'er Trent McCleary who to a slap shot in the neck, crushing his trachea. He got up and skated to the bench so another player could take his place then had the doctor cut open his throat to allow him to breath and save his life. Everytime there is a football match there are so many players rolling around on the ground you think they all caught fire. And silly us we watch peacefully and let the millionairs fight. THe only thing that keeps football fans from looting there way across europe is they have to be back at thier place of unemployment monday.