MLS Playoff Race Helpfully Explained

Here also is how a typical gas furnace works

Many MLS followers are having a hard time figuring out just what needs to happen in MLS' final week of fixtures in order for their team to qualify, so AMSL will helpfully explain it to you in clear language that you can understand.

You see, it's not as complicated as you might think. Toronto FC needs to beat the New York Red Bulls this week, and FC Dallas and DC United would also need to win or something too. But if New England wins, that would mean the end of Colorado's season, unless Colorado were to score four goals, which would mean DC United would make it into the playoffs, but not Toronto FC. You with me?

So, in order for Toronto FC to go through, Colorado would have to lose and Dallas draw, unless of course Toronto FC scores less than two goals which would mean New England would qualify at their expense. Now, in the off chance FC Dallas and DC United both win, the decision on which team will qualify will come down to the dreaded four-way tie breaker game.

You've heard a lot about this tie-breaker scenario, and yes, it's as bad as you think. If the tie-breakers end in draws, only New England and Toronto FC go through, unless DC United get two yellow cards and Dallas one red card. If that happens, there will be extra time. MLS clearly states the games cannot go to penalties, so a second ball will be introduced and an entire extra ninety minutes must be played with the entire teams plus subs and reserves on the pitch. The first team to score seven goals will qualify, and Toronto FC will go out unless they also score seven goals, which would mean New England automatically win the MLS Cup.

Now, if no team manages to score seven goals, Don Garber is required by MLS rules to consult a wizard. Not a Kansas City Wizard silly! No, this wizard must be well versed in druidical rites and procedures, must not live in the Pacific Northwest of the United States due to the proximity of the Rocky Mountains which are considered a mystical influence, and have a driver's license. If the wizard decides Dallas and New England go through, Toronto FC must now leave MLS to play in the Canadian Soccer League, and Colorado must eat nothing but oatmeal for seven days.

If the anyone on the Colorado team falls ill due to oatmeal consumption, Toronto FC will be allowed to play a one off game of Laser Tag against the Columbus Crew for a final chance at qualification (although they are still banished to the CSL commencing the following season, unless of course the Serbia White Eagles win the title, in which case the world explodes). And that's how babies are ma—er, how your team will qualify for the MLS playoffs. Good night. Please leave any questions and I will try to answer them to the best of my knowledge.