Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Chelsea's Training Ground Inquest as Led by Deputy Commisioner Rawls

From the Guardian: Michael Ballack has revealed how Chelsea's players held a training-ground inquest into the set-piece errors which are threatening to disrupt their season.

Okay, quit hamming around back there. We've got a major investigation on our hands and I don't want any mistakes. Word on the pitch is that we're letting in goals on set-pieces at an alarming rate. The press is already all over it, and if we don't get this investigation right, I've got to interrupt my lunch break to tell yet another poor player's agent that they suffered a point blank own-goal on the cusp of a major player transfer deal. I've been charged to getting down the set-piece goal rate to ten a year, direct from the manager's office and I expect results.

Right, Detective Terry, any leads on what's causing all this? The inability to stop the ball from bouncing into the net? Is that your poor fucking excuse for a joke, detective? What about my defensive wall? Where are my players on the posts? Where are my shot blockers? Do you have any reason why I shouldn't bump you down to the reserves right now you sniveling bastard?

Wait, are you crying, detective? Because this inquest has barely begun and the last thing I need is some sniveling man-boy who's got no case, no leads, no motive, nothing but some trumped up baby tears. You are relieved sir. Leave the podium. I said leave the goddamn podium. Officer Drogba, yes you, detective, you're taking his place.

Now officer, what exactly have you come up with? You're a striker so you don't really have any clue? Jesus H. Christ, you are one handsome man, but you're about as dumb as a cheese sandwich. But you're all I got for now, but even so, if you can't tell me why I have goals getting headed in on corners RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY GODDAMN GOALKEEPER in my own fuckin' unit, I will put you on marine duty so fuckin' fast you'll wonder if you forgot your balls in the centre circle.

Now all of you, if I don't have some goddamn answers before this unit heads out against Atletico Madrid tomorrow, I will replace you with personnel capable of giving me those answers, you understand me?


1 comment:

fistedaway said...

"If I was zonally marking you, you would KNOW I was zonally marking you."