Mark Hughes' Case for the Defense

The Real Culprit

From the Guardian: Arsène Wenger has told Mark Hughes that he is the only man who believes in Emmanuel Adebayor's innocence, as he laid into the Manchester City striker for the challenge that left Robin van Persie dazed and bloodied at Eastlands on Saturday.

Hi, I'm Mark Hughes. You've been hearing a lot lately about my friend Emmanuel Adebayor, but there's one thing I bet you haven't heard about him. His first name means, "God with Us."

Stopped you in your tracks, have I? I know! With all the bad press you'd think Mr. Adebayor was some sort of mass bomb exploder, but he's not, he's just a lovely footballer who's traveled all the way from Togo to be with us in the Premier League. And on behalf of God with Us, I would like to clear some things up surrounding the events at the City of Manchester Stadium last Saturday.

First, many of you in the press have been saying some bad things about the way Mr. Adebayor celebrated his goal against his beautiful old club from Ye Olde Northe London, Woolwich Arsenal. Yes, it's true, he did run all the way to the Arsenal supporters, his old friends! But it wasn't to insult them, it was to thank them for his time at Arsenal which helped him perfect the skill he needed in order to score goals like the one he scored on Saturday. I can sort of see how you might have been confused, as I, like you, am a cynical soul in this dark and crazy world, well aware of the sins of men, but God with Us doesn't think that way. He was really hurt by his so-called old 'friends,' and I think they owe him an apology.

Second, there are a few things to clear up about the incident with his old best friend, Robin van Persie. You see, Mr. Adebayor knew his old best friend was just doing what comes best; tackling in a fair and safe manner. God with Us wasn't angry at all, but he was suddenly concerned for his old best friend's safety. Because what you didn't see, and what the cameras didn't pick up, was the killer bee about to sting van Persie's eyeball.

Now, ask yourself this question: which would you prefer, the slight scraping of a few tiny boot studs, or a fat, venomous bee sting directly into your cornea? Of course, the boot studs. Adebayor made the same assumption, but it turns out his old best friend van Persie didn't know there was a bee at all. I'm sure you'd be angry too if your old best friend stamped you in the face. But would you be angry if you knew he just helped you avoid a bee sting in the eye? Of course you wouldn't, you're not some sort of demented monster.

So next time you decide to insult a man with the word God as part of his first name, try to get the whole story. I'm looking at you, Arsene Wenger, you old scamp! Thank you, and goodnight.