Sir Alex: "If I don't end Michael Owen's career for good, who will?"

Owen: Wounded and Scared.

Sir Alex Ferguson arrived at the Manchester United press conference cradling a trembling, crying Michael Owen in a white towel. He had a message: "I've had enough of watching little Mikey here suffer. It's time to put him down."

Wiping a tear from his eye, Sir Alex continued. "I first found Michael limping around on one leg at St. James Park. He was bruised and battered and crying for the ball, but no one could find it for him. It's clear his pace has abandoned him forever and is not going to return. If I can't save him, I think we all know the humane thing to do in this situation."

Representative fors PETS, People for the Ethical Treatment of Strikers, applauded Sir Alex' move. "If poor wounded Mikey here gets picked up by Aston Villa, there's a chance he goes in the first team. It's cruel and humiliating to use him as a starter in a Premier League football match with the expectation he'll score. A move to MLS would ensure he'd spend the rest of his days rolling around on a filthy, soiled gridiron or plastic pitch. At Manchester United, he'll be well fed and well paid, then quietly smothered on the bench until he completely disappears. It's a very pleasant way to go under the circumstances."

Sir Alex hushed a crying Owen before explaining his desire to help other broken strikers. "Whether they're stuck in a chimney flue or considering a move to Portsmouth, I'd like to give them a peaceful home before wiping them out of existence forever."