Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Man City: "We Will Buy Every Living Footballer"

Janey Smucker (far left) in action during Autoglass's 7-0 loss to
Betty's Cupcakes 'n More Under 12's.

At first Janey Smucker, a six year old full-back for Denver's Al's Autoglass Pee Wee Eleven's, didn't understand what the letter in the blue envelope said. It didn't help the first half was in Arabic, or that Janey can only read at a second grade level. But when she ran into the kitchen to show her parents, she guessed it must have been good news—her mother burst into tears of joy while her father dropped kicked the cereal box against the fridge.

Janey had been offered 7 million pounds to play for Manchester City.

But as soon as Janey's dad, Albert Smucker, a Denver-area clothing store manager, called his work buddy's to brag about his daughter's unique talent (which he guessed must have been spotted by a City scout during one of her better games in the 0-14 season) he realized they too had received similar blue envelopes with slightly differing offers. Albert then urned on CNN to see families jumping for joy all across America and indeed the world: Manchester City had made a bid for every living league football player.

A representative for the Abu Dhabi United Group, who stood with his right hand close behind a sweating, nervous-looking Mark Hughes, explained in a press conference that Manchester City would be making a bid for everyone who plays for anyone, from Manchester United's Christiano Ronaldo to Iceland's Seventh Day Adventist Youth Group select's Erik Kjeld.

Estimates of the level of debt Manchester City will accrue after making bids for the roughly 240 million league players worldwide are already well into the quadrillions. While some local Blues fans expressed concern at City going into the red, others were elated. "If there are no players on any other clubs, we win every trophy, ever year, for ever. Amen to that. What's even better is that without any games, we don't have to pay the outrageous season ticket fees more and more Premier League clubs are demanding" explained some guy walking outside in the Greater Manchester area.

As for Janey, she'll be delighted to join just as soon as she mulls over another offer from Chelsea.

1 comment:

stowe said...

it was funny until you brought chelsea into it.