Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Take a Friend to the Champions League Final
Take a non-NAFF to watch the Champions League final this year.
Explain to him it's like the World Series boiled down to one game, the Super Bowl without the hour and a half of ads and digital graphic wipes that cost as much as Martin Tyler's annual salary, the Doctor Who episode when the Doctor regenerates leaving weeping and confused companions to fly the TARDIS. Say, "nevermind" when he asks, "what's Doctor Who?"
Comfort him when the level of play doesn't exactly equal the pre-match hype you used to convince him to skip work on a weekday afternoon in the middle of an economic depression. Explain to him you don't know what happened to the all-nude cheerleaders this year, but that you're sure they'll be out soon and that again, you're really sorry they're not using stun guns, maybe UEFA changed the rules or something just before the game.
Lock the door when he attempts to leave. Use restraints, perhaps some plastic wiring, or if you want to be old fashioned, regular steel handcuffs. If he continues to struggle, mucking up your Tapas spread and getting Paella all over your Eric Cantona wall-sized poster, threaten to turn up the volume during the Heineken ads. If you do, wipe the blood from his ears. Answer, "no, that's not actually Zadok the Priest."
Make sure to explain the rules of the game, even if it seems he's lost consciousness (if he has, be polite and wipe away drool at fifteen minute intervals). Explain to him why Barcelona is more than a club. Tell him how a failed conglomerate can still sponsor a major soccer team. Tell him if he ever speaks of this to anyone, you'll tell the office about that little incident at the golf retreat last July. You know, the one with the sixteen year-old caddy and the Martgueritas.
Tell him this is what soccer is all about. Rejoice when Barcelona wins 3-1. Drive him back (in the trunk) to "the office" (any empty parking lot will do). Be sure to leave your house by the back door. Put the Tapas spread in the fridge for the FA Cup final.