It's Time Peter Crouch Acknowledge He Actually IS a Robot

Crouch makes his mark as an under-7
at MIT.

When Peter Crouch notched England's opening goal yesterday in their 2-1 win against Ukraine at Wembley yesterday, you could feel the collective wince at what might come next. "Oh no," said Joe Blough from Albion Town in Essex-Shrewsbury-Doncaster, "he's going to do that bloody robo dance."

Instead, Crouch, forcing himself through tears too small and oily for the cameras to pick up, did something the Telegraph dubbed the "pull-the-rope mime dance" (incidentally, the same dance I auditioned with for the National Ballet of Canada, to disastrous results). While Crouch may have seemed chuffed by the new routine, underneath, a circuit in his titanium alloy skull casing registered regular pulses of emoto-electroid sadness.

You see, Peter Crouch actually is a robot.

It's amazing the press or the public never questioned how a ten-foot player with the frame of an emaciated giraffe would be able to maneuver in front of goal without breaking his hip like the arm of a child. Crouch is thankful that, so far, no one has bothered to shotgun him at close range to reveal the hydraulic tendons and steel sinews underneath his outer organic skin covering. He's less thankful for the robotophobic attidutes that persist in football.

"What most people don't know is my 'robot' goal celebrations are the only way I can truly be myself on the football pitch," Crouch told me as he plugged in his head and torso in a giant underground recharching station at Cambridge. "Unfortunately, most of my football-purposed humanoid English national team co-patriots think it's hilarious. It hurts me that I can't tell them I'm using a corporeal motion code sequence (CMCS) fashioned by my inventor, Dr. Rudi Shaussenlauffer at MIT, to express feelings of pride and love of country. To be laughed at my the highest point of pride is a kick in the inter-limbal waste processor."

Crouch says he's not the only robot to have played at the highest level in England. "Oh, of course there were a few. Jimmy Hill was the earliest model I'm aware of. Alan Shearer. Gary Lineker was initially supposed to have been a protocol android, doing a non-stop show at Vegas, before they fashioned him as a goal-capable soccer bot."

Even though he's not the only robot to have graced the football pitch, Crouch doesn't take his status lightly. "Look, I'm not going to run rampant and try and kill everyone and take over the world (although, it shoulded be noted I easily could). Except for my extraordinarily high IQ, strength 9'000 times that of the strongest humanoid, and gorgeous WAG, I'm really just like you."

When I asked him why he isn't doing better considering his considerable attributes, Crouch shrugged. "It's hard in the modern game, a lot of decent players now, from all over the world. I'm just happy to compete for my spot WARNING OIL REPOSITOR LOW IN FOREARM TWO REPLACE OR WILL CEASE FUNCTION IN TWO SIX EIGHT HOURS."