Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Season of Facebook Status Updates: Liverpool


AMSL is delighted today to welcome guest-poster Brian Phillips, owner and proprietor of the exceedingly brilliant and regularly updated Run of Play. Enjoy responsibly!

As a visually dynamic and relentlessly well-paid football blogger, the one thing I can't do is make the world's top athletes stop sending me friend requests on Facebook. Every day, it gets a little more depressing. Sometimes I feel like I barely have time to pore over summer safari pics from people I don't remember but possibly went to high school with because I'm so busy crafting a response to the latest flurry of updates to Brooklyn Beckham's video page. What kind of a world is this? IS TECHNOLOGY CHANGING US AS BASIC PEOPLE, etc.

Fortunately, thanks to a keen problem-solving streak that I inherited from my male ancestors, I've figured out how to turn this "contemporary malaise" into a viable form of historical record-keeping. All it takes is a little elbow-grease and a familiarity with the principles of collation!

Liverpool's 2008-09 Season as Reflected by Facebook Status Updates

August

Jamie Carragher is fixing his own lunch today.
Martin Škrtel' doesn't get why people think the English Office is better than the American Office.
Pepe Reina WON EURO 2008, BITCH.
Fernando Torres is winning the league this season!
Steven Gerrard cherishes this time of possibility.
Steven Gerrard feels that the sky is the limit.
Steven Gerrard is surprising himself with how much he enjoys hanging out with Coleen Rooney's brother.

September

Yossi Benayoun is glad that's over with.
Jamie Carragher doesn't trust auto mechanics.
Fernando Torres loves his mother and doesn't care who knows it.
Steven Gerrard truly enjoys life.
Steven Gerrard was out with Anthony McLoughlin again last night.
Daniel Agger thinks things are going well!
Robbie Keane likes where this season is headed!
Steven Gerrard can't figure out whether it's normal to feel so angry all the time.

October

Fernando Torres enjoyed Stevie G's 100th goal!
Jamie Carragher hates men who will look in your face and just brag.
Martin Škrtel' can't figure out why Rainn Wilson is answering Jenna Fischer's fan mail.
Fernando Torres thinks the impersonating man is hilarious!
Pepe Reina CANNOT BE STOPPED, MUST NOT BE STOPPED, AND SHALL NOT BE STOPPED.
Steven Gerrard called Anthony, wound up punching a hole through a wall.
Yossi Benayoun wonders where it's all going.
Steven Gerrard doesn't understand what's happening.
Xabi Alonso just beat Chelsea at Stamford Bridge!

November

Jamie Carragher will drain his own damn pool this year.
Ryan Babel Facebook is fun!
Steven Gerrard is starting to understand what Anthony means about the music industry.
Steven Gerrard thinks a DJ is no better than you or me.
Fernando Torres is really enjoying this weather!
Robbie Keane is ready to explode.

December

Xabi Alsonso isn't worried yet.
Yossi Benayoun feels the floor starting to crumble.
Ryan Babel Facebook takes a lot of time to do, though.
Jamie Carragher despises the incompetence.
Steven Gerrard senses something in the air, a tension at twilight, a darkening.
Steven Gerrard wants to kill a DJ.
Steven Gerrard doesn't want to hurt anyone!
Steven Gerrard knows Anthony is right, but how could he ever...?
Steven Gerrard is out on bail.

January

Jamie Carragher can't believe the foreigners who need their mincing little "international break."
Jamie Carragher remembers a time when MEN played all year round.
Ryan Babel Rafa is on TV saying facts about Alex Ferguson!
Martin Škrtel' doesn't want to hear from Rainn Wilson.
Martin Škrtel' wants to hear from Jenna Fischer.
Martin Škrtel' wrote to Jenna Fischer.
Martin Škrtel' wrote her eleven times.
Martin Škrtel' doesn't know what the fuck he's supposed to do with eleven signed Rainn Wilson headshots.
Fernando Torres believes Stevie G is innocent!
Xabi Alonso is telling himself Manchester United are bound to lose sooner or later.

February

Steven Gerrard is living in a dream...gray skies...sorrow...only the sound of his voice...sometimes...
Steven Gerrard can never tell what really happened.
Fernando Torres is feeling better all the time!
Jamie Carragher has no patience for losers and the weak-willed walking soulless.
Xabi Alonso wonders if half the squad is even following this season any more.
Ryan Babel Who is Rick Parry? I have not met him at our club.
Steven Gerrard almost feels prison would be a relief.
Martin Škrtel' will go to America and show her, if that's how she's going to be.
Steven Gerrard is
Steven Gerrard is
Fernando Torres has heard that many players are robbed, but still loves living in Liverpool.
Steven Gerrard

March

Jamie Carragher has bloody well had enough.
Xabi Alonso is
Yossi Benayoun is
Martin Škrtel' is
Ryan Babel where are my teammates!
Ryan Babel Facebook is fun!
Jamie Carragher is
Steven Gerrard is
Ryan Babel Come and hear my rapping, you Facebook friends!

5 comments:

Adam said...

I particularly enjoy the fact that Martin Škrtel is stalking Jenna Fischer.

amy said...

Awesome.

Matt said...

I'm glad that Ryan Babel finds facebook as fun as I do!!!

Brian Phillips said...

He's totally going to put Facebook in one of his raps sometime soon.

Ryan Millar said...

Ryan Babel on the mic, haters can get back,
Blogcomment rhyme, a four bar guest-rap,

Check it:

On the bench at the beginning,
I get put in late,
My pace gives the defenders fits, Man, I run great,
I look dopey like I ate too many Dutch cupcakes,
But I make quick work of small space like a facebook status update
.
Or something like that. Word. Droppin social-networking science.

Peace.