Friday, March 27, 2009

Ferguson likely to call it a day at United in 14 months—Guardian Headline

Lebnar the Bender of Time, photographed
before his year suspension for drugs use

March 27th 2053 -- Zorgnat Ferguson, the half-human, half-cyborg, alien-crossbred great grandaughter of Sir Alex Ferguson's artificially-preserved head and torso (henceforth referred to as SAFAPHAT) has announced the longest serving manager of Wrigley's Manchester United Tokyo FunBar Energy Concern will be finally stepping down at the end of the 2053-2054 Super Top Four League season.

SAFAPHAT has won 1, 034 trophies since taking the FunBar job in 1986, including 23 Heineken Cups (formerly Heineken's Champions League). While he struggled in the 2042-43 season, with many saying he would be unable to adjust to the introduction of Nontobs, the crab-like creatures who momentarily controlled our minds in an aborted attempt to take over the earth, his shrewd buying of Lebnar the Bender of Time in the 2044-2045 season ensured a glorious ten-season winning run against the Chelsea McCheesebots, the Liverpool Ramen Noodles and Arsenal.

Privately, some are saying the introduction of lasers into the modern game pushed him over the edge. SAFAPHAT was given a hologram touchline ban for railing against Mike Ashley III over the repeated blindings of his entire backfour. "I saw this coming when the league introduced it last year," he said in an interview last summer. "Football is one game that requires acute eyesight, and I knew lasers would destroy all that. But that's what the modern game seems to be about these days. Repeated blindings with lasers. And telepathic alien crabs."

9 comments:

Brian Phillips said...

I hope he followed up the anti-laser tirade with another plea to add a winter break to the Super Top Four League...

Richard Whittall said...

Well, how can a team properly prepare themselves for both the Heineken Cup and the Minute Maid Trophy (formerly the FA Cup) with two domestic league fixtures in as many months? Those nitwits at the Minute Maid Football Association have clearly lost the plot.

Brian Phillips said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brian Phillips said...

That is, I'm already frighteningly engrossed by this.

Richard Whittall said...

Hmmm...alternative universe novella?

Richard Whittall said...

Or I should say, dystopian future novella? I do get my nerd genres mixed up...

Fredorrarci said...

Dystopian? A Super Top Four League sounds spiffing to me, I must say.

Brian Phillips said...

Zorgnat Ferguson turned up the collar of her trenchcoat and stepped out of the Hibachi Generous Fun Times Pool Hall. Out on the street, mauve rain was falling and the line of DoubleQwik HoverCabs cast eerie reflections onto the scrim of water on the pavement below. The BungChip Agent she'd come to meet hadn't shown up again---third time this week---which could only mean that her Honored Ancestor would be giving her the hair-dryer treatment again.

Zorgnat lit a cigarette and took a long, bitter drag. It was going to be a bad day.

Richard Whittall said...

Meanwhile, across Lake West Midlands in the floating city of New Liverpool, the Ramen Noodles boardroom sat down to tea, earl grey, hot.

"Gentlemen," the aging former Russian President began, "we've just received word that our friends at Wrigley's Manchester United Tokyo FunBar Energy Concern are having a few problems, *ahem* hammering out the final details on this world-ending transfer deal the PressBots have been ranting about lately."