Friday, March 27, 2009
Ferguson likely to call it a day at United in 14 months—Guardian Headline
March 27th 2053 -- Zorgnat Ferguson, the half-human, half-cyborg, alien-crossbred great grandaughter of Sir Alex Ferguson's artificially-preserved head and torso (henceforth referred to as SAFAPHAT) has announced the longest serving manager of Wrigley's Manchester United Tokyo FunBar Energy Concern will be finally stepping down at the end of the 2053-2054 Super Top Four League season.
SAFAPHAT has won 1, 034 trophies since taking the FunBar job in 1986, including 23 Heineken Cups (formerly Heineken's Champions League). While he struggled in the 2042-43 season, with many saying he would be unable to adjust to the introduction of Nontobs, the crab-like creatures who momentarily controlled our minds in an aborted attempt to take over the earth, his shrewd buying of Lebnar the Bender of Time in the 2044-2045 season ensured a glorious ten-season winning run against the Chelsea McCheesebots, the Liverpool Ramen Noodles and Arsenal.
Privately, some are saying the introduction of lasers into the modern game pushed him over the edge. SAFAPHAT was given a hologram touchline ban for railing against Mike Ashley III over the repeated blindings of his entire backfour. "I saw this coming when the league introduced it last year," he said in an interview last summer. "Football is one game that requires acute eyesight, and I knew lasers would destroy all that. But that's what the modern game seems to be about these days. Repeated blindings with lasers. And telepathic alien crabs."