Friday, December 5, 2008

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Yay! Gay-pride pancakes!

This morning I woke up to see one of those Friday please-keep-reading-this-particular-on-line-rag-and-not-another stories on the Guardian. Apparently Christiano Ronaldo 'almost' signed for Arsenal but went for Manchester United instead.

I mean, speculation on possible alternate universes in sport? When did this thing become a giant game of Dungeons and Dragons? Did he roll an octagonal die, or spin some sort of plastic arrow on a piece of cardboard to decide his club? And why can't we get alternate universe news all the time? "NEW YORK POSSIBLY DESTROYED BY HANDSOME MONKEY IN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: SCIENTIST."

Apparently even Ronaldo knows he can't roll back the clock -- "I have gone down in history." Yeah, it's over. No time travel in our lifetime, no takesies-backsies. You won your little Ballon d'Or, your little Premier League trophy, your pathetic little European Cup. The dream of playing keep away in the six-yard box with a gang of seventeen year-olds is dead. You made your bed Ronnie, now lie in it, and make sure not to get too much Crisco on the linens.

And Ronaldo's not alone in revealing this bit of 'news.' Waltzing over to my new-found home of English-language Italian news, Channel 4's Italy page, I notice Torres was once on the verge of joining AC Milan. Apparently, by even considering signing for one of the top clubs in Europe, and then signing for another top club in Europe, he's shown his true colours. Expect a black-armed march to Anfield in the coming days.

And what great news for Milan! Torres must be a great strike partner for Inzaghi over in that alternate universe. I hear if you scroll through the dreggs of Justin TV, there's a magical station broadcast out of Oman that picks up feeds from the alternate universe where Roy Keane isn't so cheesed all the time. Manchester United were relegated in 2002.

Anyway, the point here is that these people are stealing my idea.

1 comment:

Brian said...

This is brilliant, Richard. You've identified an entire genre of football stories that I'd never consciously thought about. I guess it only makes sense, given the eagerness with which the press reports things that unverifiably might happen in the future, that they'd have an equal share of interest in things that verifiably almost happened in the past.