Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Stuff North American Football Fans Like*

*Now, before you start ranting and raving about how Christian Lander is terrible and how I'm completely unoriginal, just know that both of us grew up in the same city, went to the same university, and knew practically the same white people. So I would have come up with this idea anyway...it was just a matter of time. And yes, he's terrible. I won't do this often, I promise.



Number 1: England

North American Football Fans or NAFFs usually first got into the game through internationals, and their team of choice is invariably England. To a non-NAFF, this might seem a little odd; England have only won one rigged tournament well over forty years ago, and haven't really done much since. Why wouldn't NAFFs support the USA, or the Canada (NB: 'North America' in this instance refers its modern usage i.e. not including Mexico)?

England provides several key advantage to the NAFF: it doens't win much, so followers cannot be accused of 'glory-hunting' (pretty much social death to the NAFF), it is European and therefore more 'authentic,' and England is home to the Premier League, the NAFF league of choice. Plus, English supporters sing tunes you know with words you can understand (eg. "Two World Wars, One World Cup"). The topper is you don't have to buy an England jersey; you can use the one your uncle gave you in the late 1990s, pretty much the golden age of soccer to the NAFF.

Most regular NAFFs,
not having personally experienced drunk xenophobic England supporters abroad, support England unconditionally. Recently however, some super-NAFFs have begun to criticise England in step with actual English England supporters.

WARNING: Do not say David Beckham is your favourite England player to a NAFF -- it would be best so say, "Wes Brown's form seems inconsistent this year," or "Joe Cole is the most underrated winger in the sqaud."

7 comments:

Fredorrarci said...

When you say "I won't do this often", do you mean nicking other people's ideas or continuing with the NAFF series? I'd be happy to see you do either on the strength of this.

Richard Whittall said...

I guess then I'll call it an 'homage,' thereby releasing me from any and all copyright laws and obligations...glad you liked it, because I have many many more of these.

Steve said...

You forgot NAFF's love to hate the Portuguese NT and it's players, they call them divers and cheats!

Zach Dundas said...

The true NAFF does NOT like Major League Soccer or the United Soccer Leagues, knows nothing about Latin American football (except that s/he LOVES Boca Juniors), can identify no more than four teams in either the Bundesliga or Serie A and thinks Landon Donovan is a "wanker."

I'm looking forward to the installment on FC Barcelona and how Real Madrid and Lazio are "fascist" teams.

Colin Smith said...

A true NAFF can't kick a ball straight. ..
Also: I heard the good news from AC Jimbo this morning! Congrats. Though, I must admit, your relationship with those guys is getting creepier...

Richard Whittall said...

Zach -- the Barca installment was DEFINITELY on my mind when I was thinking this stuff up. Yes, universal and total hatred of Landon Donovan does seem to be de rigeur among the football intelligentsia here...

Colin -- I was relieved that James finally admitted his use of my comments was completely arbitrary. Nice...

Brian said...

Brilliant. Actually, can we submit requests for these? To supplement Zach's observation that the true NAFF knows nothing about Latin American football, I'd like to see a look at the 27% of NAFFs who nevertheless support Brazil because their brother-in-law is writing a book about "football and memory in the favelas."