Peter Crouch's Nachos for Thought

I'm a freak aren't I? I am. Those bells are ringing in my ears, constantly. I forgot how long it first took me to tune them out -- Defoe said he's still getting used to it. Unbelievable. At least Vidic seems a little intimidated by me. God knows they laughed when I fought them off at Anfield. So bitter those Mancs...it's always a bit pathetic when players absorb fan rivalries like they matter. Gary Neville's a bloody comedian that way -- a real David Brent in the team talk I heard.

Foul!? Every player does this! Up on his shoulders, it just looks like I'm crawling all over him because I've already got two feet on him. This is ridiculous. Again. Look I'm sweating bullets. I never sweat this much with Liverpool, probably because the mid-field was always halfway up my arse. I just milled about and waited for the right pass.

Not with Pompey. It's different than the last time. Distin looks all over the shop. I'm running around like a proper center forward now. God this was the right move. The south coast is scarier than Merseyside though. I get nervous getting off the bus here -- when I first arrived I got a personalized 'Welcome Back' top hat from that psycho bloke with no shirt and tats and dreads. It came in a huge brown box. I thought it was a bomb. I got Abigail to open it and made a joke about finding 'white powder.' God she got mad.

Fletcher: you call that a goal? I might seem like a spider but I can still make goals look pretty -- he just garbaged that in. Harry doesn't look happy...cockneys never look happy when they play football. It's business. I mean it was the Inter City Firm for godssake.

Oh, another marvelous long ball. How I missed you. The long ball is my future. The long ball is the future of the world. No more midfielders crawling around like ants -- chest it, one touch, in the net. Cut out the middle man completely - DIY on the football pitch.

Oh come on! Another foul! For being freakishly tall again, right? It's a form of racism. Do I need to complain about this special treatment to the press? I think I will...one of these days. The crowd knows it too. Actually, I think I don't mind the bells that much. I think they toll for me.