McClaren's England Strategy Won't Cut Through the Greece

By Barney Ronay
(not actually by Barney Ronay -AMSL Legal dept)
Never one not to take a half-baked joke too far, A More Splendid Life has received this alt-universe Guardian blog discussing Steve McClaren's press conference held the day after England's embarrassing opening loss to Spain. Enjoy!

Steve McClaren, haggard but still invincibly upbeat during his post-training press conference today outside of Salzburg, likely missed the irony of his wishing Luiz Felipe Scolari well at his new post in charge at Chelsea.

The outspoken one-time England managerial hopeful and current Portugal manager took the job at Stamford Bridge after Roman Abromavich's brief flirtation with Carlo Ancelotti and Guus Hiddink. It is a reflection of the state of things in England right now that McClaren wasn't ever seriously considered for the position, an Englishman currently in charge of his national team who has expressed a desire to go back to club management after the tournament. Instead, the bookies had markedly better odds on a non-English speaking Brazilian and the coach of a squad that failed to qualify for Euro 2008. A few minutes into Steve McClaren's pep talk and the reason why became apparent. This was a public school boy explaining why he didn't hand in his homework.

"We've got to show Greece and the rest of the teams here at the Euros that England is here to play. I spoke to Becks and Wayne and Steven at training today and they all admit they didn't have the best performance against Spain. But if you look at the match on Tuesday, you'd see that it was poor defending on the last set-piece that got us, that and bad finishing."

This tactical analysis from the man who picked a team that managed only four shots on the Spanish goal in the entire second half. There is often disagreement between the manager and the press over the essential narrative of the match, but this was the kind of cognitive dissonance expressed by someone suffering a stroke. It's one thing to say the problem with England was 'bad finishing'; to say England defended well save in the final set-piece would be tell an outright lie of the sort propagated more by the Erich Honeckers of this world than the George Bushes. The flim-flam show then went on into murkier depths.

"And we know, some Spanish players, they like to nestle-up to the ref. Ramos had his arm, his hand on the ball, we didn't get the call. Terry's challenge was harsh and deserved the yellow, but Pujol almost clipped Owen in half in before the second half and the ref said play on. But we've got to be better than this. Greece is going to be an even more difficult challenge, and we might not get the chances we'd like. They lost to Sweden so they'll be hungry for the win so we've got to show the better spirit."

Shocking accusations aside, Steve McClaren's press conferences usually involve these Tony Robbins-esque platitudes, but today was an epic embarrassment; he may as well have pulled out crystals and tarot cards to help explain himself. As for tactics, McClaren admitted the Barry/Gerrard partnership, while probably favoured by Rafa Benitez who would like to see the two practice together in England shirts before Barry makes Merseyside his home, has been a disappointment, but he dithered about any possible solution.

"I know Lamps would like to come back, to have his place in the first team, and in the training today he's showed that in his character, in the way he's kept training hard and kept his head up. Will he start against Greece on Saturday? That's up to him."

What is certain at this point is that England will have to fight for their lives to even get out of the group. Greece may have lost to an unfavoured Sweden but the European Championship holders will prove a tough challenge for an England side that has no coherence going forward. Rumours have already been circulating around Fleet Street concerning England's successor and the Gazetta Dello Sport reported today that former Real Madrid coach Fabio Capello would take the job if it was offered to him. Some are already calling for an overhaul of the FA in light of an expected group stage exit. The vultures are circling now; how much longer England will flop around before the birds can settle for a meal is anyone's guess.